The Poetics of an Odd (wo) Man out

‘Di mo lang alam
Naiiisip kita
Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
‘Di mo lang alam
Hanggang sa gabi inaasam makita kang muli

Nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang pahanon
At ngayon ako ay iyong iniwan
Luhaan, sugatan, ‘di mapakinabangan
Sana nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam
Sana'y nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam

Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Hindi mo lang alam
Kay tagal na panahon
Ako'y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sa'yo

Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
‘Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
Kung ako'y nagkasala patawad na sana
Puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

‘Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s'ya na lang
Sana'y ako naman
‘Di mo lang alam
Ika'y minamasdan
Sana'y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

‘Di mo lang alam
Kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang
Napapaligaya lang sa tuwing nagkukulitan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako'y nandito lang
Hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman

Kung ikaw at ako
Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito
Ay dapat bang sumuko
Sana hindi ka lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako'y masasaktan ng ganito
Sana'y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

‘Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s'ya na lang
Sana'y ako naman
Isang kindat man lang
‘Di mo lang alam
O, ika'y minamasdan
Sana iyo'y mamalayang di mo lang pala alam
Oooooooo

Malas mo
Ikaw ang natipuhan ko
Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan

Truth is staring right in front of me. It’s melancholic and tired eyes pierce through my soul as though it can see every intricate detail of my being. I don’t recall encountering Truth somewhere along this path I’m traversing. I wondered, how long it has been standing there and why suddenly it decided to stop me from my tracks.

I waited. Truth just stood there examining me with its haunting eyes. I looked down to avoid the strong gaze that leaves goose bumps all over my body. It then stretched out its long, cat-like hands, touched my forehead and showed me something—an epiphany.

The epiphany was intense, abrupt, and strangely comforting.

A quick flashback and flash forward ensued. I slowly grasped everything Truth showed me. And after what seem like an eternity, Truth walked away, smiling. Its icy voice that keeps saying, “You know what to do” lingers in my head.

I walked the long stretch quiet path until my feet hurt. It was then I saw a fork in the road, both leading to different directions. And instead of going right, I turn left.

I headed towards the unknown with only courage and a brief memory of that one surreal encounter with Truth.

This is where it all starts.

End.To.Begin.

Super masaya ako dahil natupad na din ang isa sa mga pangarap ko: ang makanood ng WWE live!  maraming tao ang nagpunta mapabata man at mapalola, pramis. Hindi ko lang alam kung sino ang kras ni lola dun pero marami akong nakitang mga-70 plus dun na tanders.

 Maraming asteeg moments dun: yung 619 ni Rey Mysterio at yung natanggal ang maskara niya (kung san kinabahan ako ng bongga), yung pag-trash talk ni Chris Jericho, paghiga niya sa rope ng ring sabay dirty finger sa audience at yung paglipad ni Jeff hardy sa ere sa kanyang kakaibang moves.

pangarap audience moment ko: yung tawagin ka at paakyatin sa ring kasama ng isang wrestler (in this case gusto ko si Jeff hardy) tapos yakap at bigyan ka souvenir shirt. Kanina may ganyan moment kaso with tommy dreamer at dun sa isang batang lalake sa ringside na may hawak na poster. naingit naman ako.

Hindi din ganun ka-violent ang laban maliban sa hinampas sa railings ganyan at wala din steel chair moments.

All in all, kahit purita amor na ako sa mahal ng tickets, worth it naman siya. And I'm happy coz I was there. in that particular moment.

Or maybe not.

Somewhere along this lifetime, we heard people say that everything even shit, happens for a reason. There’s a strange feeling of relief in knowing that something good will come out, eventually, in the end. It makes acceptance a lot easier. Or maybe not.

When painful things transpire, your brain keeps shooting questions at you. Endless questions of whys and hows until you get tired of questioning and answering everything and just shrugged the whole thing as experience, another-lesson-learned-for-me-send-by-the-universe.

But do you really fully grasp the lesson brought about by any intense experience? (By intense, I mean, something that takes you to the very edge of your being; something that shook and maybe even debunk everything you believe in) Do you honestly take with you lessons from experience god or just thought you did by masking it with cautiousness so that absolutely no one and nothing can mess you up again. Never again.

Until one day, the universe decides to play with you just to see if you essentially learned anything from previous experience/s. It’s all mindfuckin’ thing. You’re suck again to this vortex of events and whirlwind of emotions. Even if you know the scent of this familiar pain and the landscape of this whole experience (with its maze of possible outcomes), you find yourself lost and helpless. At the end of the day, you still dive towards the seemingly unknown terrain, not of course to learn anything but to feel the joy of being alive. This may sound ‘masochistic’ but it’s not. People choose to feel the whole pain experience because that’s what makes them so burning with life. Yes, there’s always a tinge of remorse, once in a while, but there's also an actualization, a redeeming factor (that may take a lot of time and introspection) that everything, absolutely everything happens for a reason and for that alone, we are or I am eternally grateful to the universe or to the Higher Power.

Or maybe not.

I hate the fact that I'm loveless, BF-less, and the feeling that nobody seems to think that my existence is special to say the least. There's this cousin of mine, who wants to do "reto-reto" and somehow I'm pissed. I don't know why. Maybe, I'm not yet open to these experiences or I just hate it that someone is making me feel that I'm incapable of finding my maan (mahal) thru the reto stuff. I also hate it that the guy has some sort of expectations and the vibes that he wants to see me badly and he's really interested. Why should he? He doesn't know me enough to say that I'm interesting. It's just BS.

The guy also wants to go to our house and visit me there. WHY?!!!!!! for goodness' sake. I just don't get it. It's just macho thingie for me and not respect as they often say. See, if a guy wants to go to your house that means he has good intentions. I don't think so. If there's someone I'll bring to our home and introduce to my parents, that would be my life partner, not just some random guy that my cousin introduced to me.

I'm also pissed with my cousin. He acts as though I need to have a BF now because it's not good to end up as an old maid. He thinks that being married is the greatest fulfillment in this world. Of course, I do want to marry someday but I want to achieve my dreams first and really know myself.

I do want to have a lovelife and I don't want to end up as a spinster but I'd rather find "the love of my life" on my own and through different ways. But not like this. Not now.

Image from here.

Today, I feel so happy and optimistic (which rarely happens nowadays, by the way) that nothing and no one can destroy the good mood.

***

Each time my friend Justine and I talked about our "European dream," my heart is pounding nonstop and my head is reeling with many future scenarios out of excitement for the possibility that this dream will happen in time. (soon, sana). I know some people might view this as "ambisyosa" (ambitious) pero paki nila, pangarap ko to sa buhay at kahit ano mangyari, paglalaban ko to. woot!

I'll make it happen, someday.

God, help me.