The Poetics of an Odd (wo) Man out

Truth is staring right in front of me. It’s melancholic and tired eyes pierce through my soul as though it can see every intricate detail of my being. I don’t recall encountering Truth somewhere along this path I’m traversing. I wondered, how long it has been standing there and why suddenly it decided to stop me from my tracks.

I waited. Truth just stood there examining me with its haunting eyes. I looked down to avoid the strong gaze that leaves goose bumps all over my body. It then stretched out its long, cat-like hands, touched my forehead and showed me something—an epiphany.

The epiphany was intense, abrupt, and strangely comforting.

A quick flashback and flash forward ensued. I slowly grasped everything Truth showed me. And after what seem like an eternity, Truth walked away, smiling. Its icy voice that keeps saying, “You know what to do” lingers in my head.

I walked the long stretch quiet path until my feet hurt. It was then I saw a fork in the road, both leading to different directions. And instead of going right, I turn left.

I headed towards the unknown with only courage and a brief memory of that one surreal encounter with Truth.

This is where it all starts.

End.To.Begin.

Or maybe not.

Somewhere along this lifetime, we heard people say that everything even shit, happens for a reason. There’s a strange feeling of relief in knowing that something good will come out, eventually, in the end. It makes acceptance a lot easier. Or maybe not.

When painful things transpire, your brain keeps shooting questions at you. Endless questions of whys and hows until you get tired of questioning and answering everything and just shrugged the whole thing as experience, another-lesson-learned-for-me-send-by-the-universe.

But do you really fully grasp the lesson brought about by any intense experience? (By intense, I mean, something that takes you to the very edge of your being; something that shook and maybe even debunk everything you believe in) Do you honestly take with you lessons from experience god or just thought you did by masking it with cautiousness so that absolutely no one and nothing can mess you up again. Never again.

Until one day, the universe decides to play with you just to see if you essentially learned anything from previous experience/s. It’s all mindfuckin’ thing. You’re suck again to this vortex of events and whirlwind of emotions. Even if you know the scent of this familiar pain and the landscape of this whole experience (with its maze of possible outcomes), you find yourself lost and helpless. At the end of the day, you still dive towards the seemingly unknown terrain, not of course to learn anything but to feel the joy of being alive. This may sound ‘masochistic’ but it’s not. People choose to feel the whole pain experience because that’s what makes them so burning with life. Yes, there’s always a tinge of remorse, once in a while, but there's also an actualization, a redeeming factor (that may take a lot of time and introspection) that everything, absolutely everything happens for a reason and for that alone, we are or I am eternally grateful to the universe or to the Higher Power.

Or maybe not.

I hate the fact that I'm loveless, BF-less, and the feeling that nobody seems to think that my existence is special to say the least. There's this cousin of mine, who wants to do "reto-reto" and somehow I'm pissed. I don't know why. Maybe, I'm not yet open to these experiences or I just hate it that someone is making me feel that I'm incapable of finding my maan (mahal) thru the reto stuff. I also hate it that the guy has some sort of expectations and the vibes that he wants to see me badly and he's really interested. Why should he? He doesn't know me enough to say that I'm interesting. It's just BS.

The guy also wants to go to our house and visit me there. WHY?!!!!!! for goodness' sake. I just don't get it. It's just macho thingie for me and not respect as they often say. See, if a guy wants to go to your house that means he has good intentions. I don't think so. If there's someone I'll bring to our home and introduce to my parents, that would be my life partner, not just some random guy that my cousin introduced to me.

I'm also pissed with my cousin. He acts as though I need to have a BF now because it's not good to end up as an old maid. He thinks that being married is the greatest fulfillment in this world. Of course, I do want to marry someday but I want to achieve my dreams first and really know myself.

I do want to have a lovelife and I don't want to end up as a spinster but I'd rather find "the love of my life" on my own and through different ways. But not like this. Not now.

Image from here.

Lately, I find myself falling more and more in love with traveling.There's just something refreshing and eye-opening as you go to other places. I think it makes you aware that the world is a really really big place with various people and culture. Plus you get to learn new things not only about history-related stuff but also about yourself.

Every travel is a journey to one's self.

Whenever I read travel blogs like this, I feel inspired to spend my saved money, pack my bag and go somewhere. I already made "plans" (yes, me, who doesn't even plan anything at all is trying to plan)to concretize this dream like save money (of course), which will be strictly spend for travel purposes only, try finding affordable tour packages and lastly tumaya sa lotto (baka swertehin at manalo ako!). I also thought that I should explore Philippines first before going to other countries.

So far, in the last six months, I've only been to Zambales and Sagada. If things go well, my sister and I will go to Bohol by October or November.

Hopefully, in the coming years, I get to see more places around the globe, meet new people and learn more cultures.

The secret.......

Image taken somewhere from the net

......with the seemingly endless zigzag road, the race to get inside Dagupan bus, the greenery scenes of pine trees and abounding mountains, the scary ravine, the 12-hour journey, the long hike down the breathtaking rice terraces, the enormous Bomod-ok waterfalls and the feel of ice cold water entering your body, the cool mist, the slippery rocks along Lumiang Cave, the various shapes of rock formations in Sumaging Cave, the rappel in between solid rocks, the whole spelunking adventure, the fear and courage felt while inside the cave,the bat shit scattered across the caves, the bittersweet taste of cat shit coffee (Alamid,) the hot lemon pie, the delicious yogurt and pasta at Yoghurt house, the hanging coffins and its culture, the church with its broken flower-shaped windows, the rusty bell near the church and its history, anecdotes behind Echo valley, bonfire tradition and the cemetery, our humble abode courtesy of George’s guesthouse, the warm and accommodating people, our superb tour guides: Kuya Perry and Kuya Enzo, various people we encountered along the way, friends who are game for every adventure (Marco, Obet, Jerz and Mark), the spontaneous planned/unplanned itinerary, every first experience and the feeling of happiness and complete freedom from life’s stresses that is Sagada.

I want to go back there. Someday...

the majestic rice terraces...

ang mga TNL na nagpasaya ng buong trip...

It is always important to know when something has reached its end.
Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it;
What matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.
-- Paulo Coelho

Here's to reaching my dreams, good health for my family and friends, finding (and feeling) love in spite of pain, seeing the goodness of other people, happiness amidst setbacks, acceptance over things I can't change, strength to move on and courage to begin another journey...

Thank you God for another year :)

I know what I want to be and where I want to go but some thing's stopping me: fear. I guess that's the thing about getting old, you are afraid to take risks since you're more focus on stability, at least to me.

I want to pursue a career in travel writing but I know that it doesn't pay well.I want to study literature again but that not's going to land me any stable job aside from the academe. I want to do various voluntary works and feel that I'm doing something bigger than just making money but I also want to help my parents, financially speaking.

And now that I'm a year older, I feel more than ever that time is running out for me. If I don't move now and pursue my dreams, I'll be left behind. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for what I have and where I am right now it's just that I'm not happy anymore.

I remembered the character in the book, "The Alchemist" who is so good in making crystal glasses that for some time he forgot his personal dream and slowly the universe stops speaking to him and giving him signs. But eventually, he realized that even if he is okay in the crystal business that's not his personal dream.

I can feel that the universe is speaking to me.

But why am I not listening?

I've seen the signs.

I met people who show me to be brave and ran after my goals.

I know that now is the time to jump off my comfort zone and live my dreams.

But why can't I take the first move?


God, help me.

there's nothing more relaxing than climbing a rooftop building with a good friend and some chips and ice cream...

Writing a year end review of your life is an arduous and painful task. I discovered it now. It takes courage to look back and examine the things that happened in your life especially the painful memories, which you try to place at the far end corner of your head.

Writing this could have been a lot easier if I had achievements under my belt or if all memories are good ones. Although, 2008 is supposed to be my year since I was born under the year of the rat, I didn’t get to have that “luck.” Don’t get me wrong even though I wasn’t lucky, I was blessed. So here are the highlights of my life in 2008:

Unique experiences. Last June 30-July 2, I was able to participate in the GK build along with Jerz, Gedrick and some Taiwanese students. This is something that I really want to do and still want to do next year. During this experience, I get to experience what it feels like to build a house. Even though carrying heavy cement and hollow blocks was tiresome, I felt light and good, knowing that I did something for other people. I’m also glad to meet new people (Macany, Vic, Irene, Kathy, Sabrina) whose life stories made me richer and honestly made me want to go to Taiwan.

Last October 28-30, the team underwent the Upward Bound experience. This is where I realized that now is the time to start living my dreams no matter what other people think/say. It also empowered me that I am strong and that I can do anything. The experience also helps me regain my faith in God. Honestly, I’ve been harboring some bad feelings towards God because I feel that He is so distant and silent. I didn’t realize that He is/was there the whole time I’m undergoing trials. I am really grateful for this experience for it shakes me up and push me to move forward and fly high.

FF (Futsal friends). I’ve never been a fan of football or futsal for that matter but boy I was sure glad that I got hooked to this sport. This paved way for me to meet great friends (Blue, Dex, Tristan, JC, Jay,manok, Harry and company). I had a fair share of memories both from the futsal court and out. Aside from meeting people, it also gave an outlet to destress.

From Temp to PH. One of the things that I’m grateful for is my regularization at work. Now, I can enjoy some benefits that I don’t get before and I can join company events without my boss adding my name to the list. I’ve also transferred from research to VE, which is something I wanted to try before.

Chuvas. This year I met my parallel line, my intersecting line and my asymptote. Though I didn’t meet “the one” and still a NBSB, all that I’ve experiences related to heart matters, made me rethink and refeel. It also made me (hopefully) smarter and stronger because of the pain that it caused me. I just hope that these experiences will not make me bitter and afraid of love. I also hope to love unconditionally without expectations.

Certain Firsts. This year I joined P.I.A. (Pinay in Action) fun run with Macky, Mayee, Bix, and Jerz. Though Mayee and I got lost, we saw Lino Cayetano and we asked him for a souvenir picture. Before the PIA fun run, my friends at the office joined a race in UP. I wasn’t able to join because my teeth (fresh from surgery) is still aching. I had my two wisdom tooth removed because it was impacted. Perhaps, next year, I’ll ask the dentist to remove the remaining 2 impacted wisdom tooth. Ouch. It’s the worse physical pain I’d ever experienced in my life. I can’t eat. I can’t talk. I looked like I had mumps.

Another certain first moment is during our despedida with Ordy. It was held in a comedy bar (bar uno). This was my first time to enter such venue. Good thing, the hosts didn’t okray me. Myla told me that the foreigners who sang during that night were the actually the contestants in Amazing race asia 2.

Gifts. Finally my wish to have my own laptop came true—thanks to Tatay. I named it Edward Henry (from Twilight and Time traveller’s wife characters). I also received books from Ord (pasalubong from US) and some chocolates and DQ from friends at the office.

I entitled this blog entry as Spontaneous rapture since most of my experiences (good and bad) in 2008 are brought about by my spontaneity. Although there were consequences for my actions, I was really happy I did everything. No regrets.

Sabi nga ni Paulo Coelho:

“There's a moment in your life that you feel sorry for what you've done but then that precious moment would have remained just a miracle if you didn't do what you've done.”

“Be Brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience”

The piles of skyscrapers aligned one after the other leaves a feeling of solitude. The wind as it brushes your face gives a feeling of surrender to all life's labyrinths. The city lights that flickered like stars in the dark night give hope that everything will fall in its right place. The blue river bed that runs endlessly towards Laguna de Bay serenades your soul with stillness. The breathtaking city view with its smog and noise lets you hear your own silent voice. And a good friend who listens and cheers you up drowns your troubled heart with the hand of friendship...

Thank you~

P.S. this was written last Dec 9, '08

Habang naghihintay ng susunod na VR, nabasa ko ito from Macky's blog. Naaalala ko lang bigla yung finals namin sa Theology class (Marriage and Family life) about the characteristics of our ideal guy. So ayun, inuunkat ko yung utak ko at try kong tandaan ang mga pinagsusulat ko dun... Hmmmm

1. He won't mind holding my sweaty hands (pasmado kasi ako)
2. maalagain pero hindi ako i-baby.
3. yung tuturuan akong maging matapang
4. may sariling pag-iisip at ambition sa buhay
5. mabait at loyal dapat
6. tanggap ang kabaliwan ko
7. tahimik pero kalog kasama
8. hindi maririndi sa tuwing pag-iyak ko pero yayakapin na lang ako
9. mahilig din dapat magbasa ng books
10. kayang sakyan ang trip ko sa buhay
11. kelangan ma-convince nia akong kumain ng gulay
12. maginoo pero medyo bastos (corny man)
13. slight athletic na magtuturo sa kin to try sports
14. hindi mama's boy
15. supportive lolo
16. hindi magdictate sa kin kung ano dapat isuot, klase ng hairstyle, or dapat gawin sa buhay ko
17. slight seloso
18. yung hindi ako ikakahiyang makasama
19. maka-Diyos
20. dapat may pagka-humanitarian siya
21. mahal niya ako

P.S. this was originally posted in my LJ blog :)

"Gurl, daily ka ba?" stint just ended this month as Eric and tin decided that its time for me to try a shifting sked. It's actually pretty cool going to work only every other day except that I have to wake up early. I guess I've been used to waking up at around past 7 when my sked was still 11 am. So what does shifting sked means? ...

1.more time to do personal projects/agenda
2.more time with my family
3.fix other documents
4.i can go to SSS and get my own ID
5.reunite with old friends
6.less time in the office
7.try my hands on other activities/opportunities
8. tipid sa baon (sana)
9. start my studies
10. more time to read books (woot)~

a shifting sked is an inevitable change but its something that i want to experience. It's a welcome change.

While Mayee was washing her tumblers last Friday she asked what were my plans this Halloween and I told her none. Baffled, she asked again if we're not visiting any relatives graves and I told her that my family is going to visit my lolo and lola's graves. Then she narrated that if his younger brother were alive, he could have been 21 years old now. This conversation suddenly made me remember my dead sister. If she were alive, she could have been 24 turning 25 years old next January. Actually, Angelina,(my sister's name) and I were both born on the same year. It's just that she was born January and I was born December. After she died, my mother became pregnant again after two months, hence i was created.

This just makes me wonder, what my sister is like if she was here instead of me. My nanay usually told me that if my sister were alive, I wouldn't probably been created or something. I wondered, what my sister looks like, is she talkative, modest,tall, thin, chubby,kind, friendly? I wondered, if she can make a difference and make this world a little bit better? nope. i'm not wallowing here or having self-pity moments, just plain curious. But i guess there's a reason why I am here instead of her, I believe I'm here because I have a specific role that the universe wants me to fulfill. I am here because I have to make a difference. I am here to touch people's lives. I am here because i was meant to be here.

Yesterday, tatay arrived after almost a year of being away from us.Masaya.At the office, there were free food i.e. pancit and ice cream courtesy of the halloween prize.. Woot~ busog.


Impending doom or just me hyperventilating (again). The oral exam on Saturday, which I haven't reviewed yet. Hopefully I'll pass but whatever happens whether I fail or pass, I'm still going to try and try. After the team building we had last weekend, after experiencing it, i really feel strong that anything and everything is possible. I'm starting to believe in myself again. Thank God :)

Q4 came with a sudden pang of realization that it’s the last quarter of the year and yet I haven’t achieved much of the goals I set out for 2008. Some of these goals are:

• gradschool (which I’m not really motivated to do anymore)


• save money


• buy this and that


• etcetera etcetera

If there’s one thing that I can say my biggest achievement for this year, it would be the Gawad Kalinga build I participated last June 30. This is something that I really want to do and still want to do, if workload and boss permits. It’s really a transforming experience and it feels great to be able to help and make a difference in other people’s lives. Here are some pictures:






My teammates and I used to joke about this year being “the year” to finally tengo a chuva but I guess that’s something not in store for me at least for now… or maybe it eluded me when I wasn’t looking…

And since I don’t want to end this entry pessimistically, I’ll say four months is still 120 plus days and it’s not too late to still do my plans for this year….

Feel-ing:

Monday. Holiday pero andito ako sa office. Monday, ayun ke Dilbert ay, "not part of the productive week" pero mali eh andaming ginagawa ngayon dito.Hay.
Hindi magandang araw. Naligaw sa Cubao.Katangahan.Hindi binasa ang sinakyang Jeep.Napa-taxi tuloy. TSUG!

Inis.

Pasalubong ni Ord. 4 na libro.ansaya-saya. Naiiyak ako sa tuwa. Binilhan ako ng:

• A natural history of love
  
• An Alchemy of the mind
  
• Ariel
  
• Darkly Dreaming Dexter
  

Masaya.
Ito si Ord ang mabuting tao nagpasalubong sa amin.. salamat!

Feel-ing:

Where do sadness come from? Why do people feel sad? what triggers their sadness? Is melancholy as fleeting as happiness? ....

Saturday morning: Shakespeare jumped off the creek in front of our house. Shakespeare who is more than 10 years old and 80% blind accidentally fell in the creek. Everyone was trying to help him and pull him out of there. But the thing is, no one wants to carry a scarred (galisin) dog. We tried to tell Shakespeare to grab the long stick so we can pull him up but since he's blind he didn't see the stick. He ran off to the other side of the creek and returned at night. We can hear him barking but we can't do anything. Then, it rained so hard that night so we're assuming that the currents washed him away. :((

Today,nanay said in verbatim ito, "hindi na kita kilala.." which really surprised me. She said I spent most of my time in the office that we often don't see each other anymore. She even suspects that may be I have a "boyfriend" that I'm hiding. What can I say? I certainly did change but it doesn't mean that I'm doing something bad or whatever. And for the record, I DON'T HAVE a BOYFRIEND!! If I have a Bf, I'd probably not hide it.. I'm 23.. so what's there to hide? I mean I'm in the right age.. haay.. LONG SIGHS.. I guess I just want to spread my wings. I'd like to stay in the office and work so I won't have time to really "think and contemplate" things cause it's just makes me really really sad. I want to be so tired that when I reach home, I'm going to sleep well. I don't want to have a time for thinking things over and over. Or maybe I just want to escape this inescapble melancholy... I dont really know. I guess they (my parents) just have to trust me..I'll be okay....

... this will pass right?

After a year, the picture still tells the same tale...