The Poetics of an Odd (wo) Man out

Since I'm somewhere between boredom and stressed out, I decided to write here, to kill time and to concretize thoughts swirling in my head in the past days. I'm afraid that if I don't write these down, they might rut inside my mind.

I like the talk of Susan Roxas in our wiki wednesday earth day presentation. I think that her brutal honesty and keeping it real vibes inspired me and made me feel that she's really genuinely concern about the environment. I actually thought that her talk is going to be one of the those preachy kinda environmentalist who tells you the do's and dont's. She keeps it simple by painting what's happening in our environment and what we can do about it. I like the way she advises not to have any children and this killer line: you are your own meteorite. She said that people always imagined that the earth will be destroyed by a massive meteorite that will fall in the sky, but Susan said we are that meteorite who destroys our environment little by little.

Thru her talk, I began to appreciate the biodiverse marine life we have here in the Philippines, the concept of sustainability and ecological footprint. Even though, the situation now is disheartening, there's still something we can do about it. Anyone and everyone should do their fair share and no matter how little it is, it still counts. Like she said, "your generation is at crossroad, it's up to you which path you will take.."

some of the takeways from the talk:

buy local- it lessens carbon footprint
everything is interconnected
patronize products that are environment-friendly

Kahapon nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon makilala at makasama kahit sa sandaling panahon ang mga bata sa Asilo de San Vicente de Paul. Kasama ang ilang officemates at sa panguguna ni Chris ay bumisita, nakihalobilo, nakilaro ng hephep hurray, tao-bahay-bagyo at picture frame, nakipag-usap, nakicheer, nakisayaw, at nakipagtawanan kami sa mga bata.

Sa hapon na yun, naging ate at kuya rin kami sa mahigit 37 na bata. Bakas sa mga mukha nila ang kagalakan na makita kami. Isa si Mylene at Matet sa mga batang nakilala ko dun. Si matet (11 years old) ay binomba ako ng mga slambook questions like ilan taon na ako, anong grade ko na (sinabi ko kasi 13 years old lang ako... di ko sinabi ito ay noon taon 1998 pa.. hehe). Masayahin na bata si matet at madaldal din siya kasi kahit kakakilala pa lang namin nagkwekwento siya at nakikipagkulitan. Ganun din si Ashley na nagkwento ng tungkol sa kanyang field trip at school. Si Mylene naman, 16 years old ay dating tumira sa may Maligaya (isang lugar malapit sa'min) kaya medyo can relate kami sa fairview stories.

Nag-umpisa ang hapon sa 'cheering competition' kung saan pinakita ni JM at ng group three ang kanilang natatagong talento sa pag-move it move it.. Matapos ang cheering naglaro naman kami ng mga games. Mayroon din hephep hurray game kung saan una akong nasibak. Tapos tsibugan at marami pang kwentuhan...

bago natapos ang hapon, dalawang sayaw ang inihandog ng mga bata sa'min. Umawit din sila ng thank you and nagpasalamat samin. Natouch ako dun sa sinabi nung isang bata, na kung gaano namin sila napasaya at nagpapasalamat siya na kahit gaano kami ka-busy ay nakapunta kami sa Asilo. Sinabi pa niya na kahit isang beses lang namin sila makakasama ay habang buhay na kami magiging parte ng buhay nila.


Sa totoo lang, ako pa yung napasaya at na-touch ng mga bata sa Asilo. although siyempre sana din sa maliit na paraan ko ay natouch ko kahit papano sila. And kahit ilan oras ko lang sila nakasama, masasabi ko na magiging parte na sila ng buhay ko.

Isang learning experience ang Asilo lalo na sa tulad ko na may qualms sa world at sa buhay buhay. Na-realized ko na dapat kahit anong mga pagsubok or estado ko sa buhay, dapat lagi akong maging positibo at may pag-asa. Ayan ang tinuro sa kin ng mga bata. Kung tutuusin sila pa ang may karapatan maging abs bitter herbs sa buhay pero pag nakita mo sila, mararamdaman mo na sobrang positive at masaya sila.

Nakakatuwa sila kasi sobrang grateful sila sa aming pagbisita at talagang winelcome nila kami at tinuring na parang ate at kuya.

Sana makabalik pa ako sa Asilo :)

PS Salamat kay Chris na nag-imbita samin.. next time ulit :)

In anything and everything else, the best remedy is still acceptance. I try so hard to be indifferent over things/people thinking that it's the safest way to go. But I'm wired in such a way that I care too much so it's really hard for me not to bother. And through time, I learned that apathy can only deepen the pain and prolong the misery. Acceptance, on the other hand, maybe me painful at first but it can help you to move forward.

Apathy kasi parang pain-reliever lang. It temporarily numbs you but the pain is still there. While acceptance, mahaba-habang proceso parang theraphy pero surebol magaling ka na after.

At the end of the day, it's better to accept things as they are, hope for the best, pray that things will fall in its right place and let go.

Let go.

Easy to say but it's really best to face things head on rather than kill it through indifference, which in the process may also kill your soul.

Image taken somewhere from the Net.

Feel-ing:

One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. One can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few...

Re-reading Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea for the second time makes me see things that I've not seen when I first read the book. It also made me think that this book is more applicable in my life than ever. One of the takeaways I got from the book is the "shedding of one's shell" or simplifying one's life. It seems simple to say, "I'm going to simplify my life" now but just like everything else, putting it into practice would be the hardest part. This reminded me of Henry David Thoreau's words, "Suck out the marrow of life. Simplify! simplify!"

I agree with her that in one's search to fill in the 'gap' or void of the soul, we desperately fill our lives with distractions aka unnecessary activities. Such activities are not really bad per se but it just clutters our heads, takes our time but never provides an avenue for self-actualization.

But what really clutters my head? my soul? Is it my work? my overflowing heart's desires, unrealized dreams? people whom I revolved my world around? extra-curricular activities? Why do I feel empty when I have so much in life? Why do I need to feel to be loved when there's so much love around me?

I don't have the answers to those yet.. I'm still on the journey on finding myself, of trying to understand my life, of finding my soul, my voice, my being. I remembered when I was somewhere in Tappan park, I told my companion that I'm going to walk maybe, makita ko ang sarili ko After treading the dark path, my companion asked, "o ano nakita mo na ba ang sarili mo?" Sadly, no. But I discoverd that I'm desperately looking for myself and that I'm still the woman-who-is-seraching-for-herself persona that I was three years ago.

I'm hopeful that one day, I'll be a complete and whole person as soon as I fill this big void here in my soul. I also hope to keep the stillness of the axis of my life in spite of distractions, in spite of shortcomings.

I'll begin the journey here and now. My first step would be reflection and time alone to think. After which comes shedding, I'll remove anything/anyone cluttering my life. Value only the essential people/things in my life. Prayer to God. In all else, He is our one true light.

God, Help me.

Feel-ing: