The Poetics of an Odd (wo) Man out

This week has been the most topak-in time in my life...for some reason i've felt my emotions fluctuating from good to bad to bad to good. parang roller coaster ride. I initially thought it must be the hormones. But NOOO! a lo mejor it was cause by a feeling of dissatisfaction or discontentment to where I am right now(in my life that is). Honestly, I don't really know why I felt like this or what triggered this in the first place?

and for that reason, I decided to finally had my hair cut. I guess by cutting my hair, it'll just cut off these whirpool of emotions. Hair is memory, like Merlinda Bobis said in her novel. So chop chop hair... bye bye topaks!

But whatever it is I'm going thru, I know I need to pull myself up and grin at my shortcomings. I have to rise above and I know I will with God's help of course and with the help I'm getting from my true friends.

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Ito ang gusto kong puntahan.... tara! :-)

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You Are a Chocolate Cake

Fun, comforting, and friendly. You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality. People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.

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Your Personality at 35,000 Says...

Deep down, you prefer spending time alone to spending time with others. You enjoy thinking more than talking. You don't spend much time thinking about your place in the world. You are who you are - and people can just deal with that! Your gift is having a way with words. You know how to express yourself well. You are inspired by what is possible. Real life is often too ordinary for you. It's very easy for you to feel happy. You can find peace with any situation.

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One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. One can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few...

Re-reading Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea for the second time makes me see things that I've not seen when I first read the book. It also made me think that this book is more applicable in my life than ever. One of the takeaways I got from the book is the "shedding of one's shell" or simplifying one's life. It seems simple to say, "I'm going to simplify my life" now but just like everything else, putting it into practice would be the hardest part. This reminded me of Henry David Thoreau's words, "Suck out the marrow of life. Simplify! simplify!"

I agree with her that in one's search to fill in the 'gap' or void of the soul, we desperately fill our lives with distractions aka unnecessary activities. Such activities are not really bad per se but it just clutters our heads, takes our time but never provides an avenue for self-actualization.

But what really clutters my head? my soul? Is it my work? my overflowing heart's desires, unrealized dreams? people whom I revolved my world around? extra-curricular activities? Why do I feel empty when I have so much in life? Why do I need to feel to be loved when there's so much love around me?

I don't have the answers to those yet.. I'm still on the journey on finding myself, of trying to understand my life, of finding my soul, my voice, my being. I remembered when I was somewhere in Tappan park, I told my companion that I'm going to walk maybe, makita ko ang sarili ko After treading the dark path, my companion asked, "o ano nakita mo na ba ang sarili mo?" Sadly, no. But I discoverd that I'm desperately looking for myself and that I'm still the woman-who-is-seraching-for-herself persona that I was three years ago.

I'm hopeful that one day, I'll be a complete and whole person as soon as I fill this big void here in my soul. I also hope to keep the stillness of the axis of my life in spite of distractions, in spite of shortcomings.

I'll begin the journey here and now. My first step would be reflection and time alone to think. After which comes shedding, I'll remove anything/anyone cluttering my life. Value only the essential people/things in my life. Prayer to God. In all else, He is our one true light.

God, Help me.

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