The Poetics of an Odd (wo) Man out

It is always important to know when something has reached its end.
Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it;
What matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.
-- Paulo Coelho

Here's to reaching my dreams, good health for my family and friends, finding (and feeling) love in spite of pain, seeing the goodness of other people, happiness amidst setbacks, acceptance over things I can't change, strength to move on and courage to begin another journey...

Thank you God for another year :)

In anything and everything else, the best remedy is still acceptance. I try so hard to be indifferent over things/people thinking that it's the safest way to go. But I'm wired in such a way that I care too much so it's really hard for me not to bother. And through time, I learned that apathy can only deepen the pain and prolong the misery. Acceptance, on the other hand, maybe me painful at first but it can help you to move forward.

Apathy kasi parang pain-reliever lang. It temporarily numbs you but the pain is still there. While acceptance, mahaba-habang proceso parang theraphy pero surebol magaling ka na after.

At the end of the day, it's better to accept things as they are, hope for the best, pray that things will fall in its right place and let go.

Let go.

Easy to say but it's really best to face things head on rather than kill it through indifference, which in the process may also kill your soul.

Image taken somewhere from the Net.

I know what I want to be and where I want to go but some thing's stopping me: fear. I guess that's the thing about getting old, you are afraid to take risks since you're more focus on stability, at least to me.

I want to pursue a career in travel writing but I know that it doesn't pay well.I want to study literature again but that not's going to land me any stable job aside from the academe. I want to do various voluntary works and feel that I'm doing something bigger than just making money but I also want to help my parents, financially speaking.

And now that I'm a year older, I feel more than ever that time is running out for me. If I don't move now and pursue my dreams, I'll be left behind. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for what I have and where I am right now it's just that I'm not happy anymore.

I remembered the character in the book, "The Alchemist" who is so good in making crystal glasses that for some time he forgot his personal dream and slowly the universe stops speaking to him and giving him signs. But eventually, he realized that even if he is okay in the crystal business that's not his personal dream.

I can feel that the universe is speaking to me.

But why am I not listening?

I've seen the signs.

I met people who show me to be brave and ran after my goals.

I know that now is the time to jump off my comfort zone and live my dreams.

But why can't I take the first move?


God, help me.

after x number of years, nakita ko rin ang ilan sa mga HS friends ko. Dati rati kasi di ako nakakapunta sa mga reunions namin dahil busy at walang pera. Pero now, thanks to myra and frich ayan nagkaroon ng chance para magmeet kami kahit pa gaano ka-busy. Kahit anim lang kami (Myra, Frich, julius, cecil, Kim at ako) sobrang saya-saya, parang walang nagbago at parang hindi taon ang binilang ng aming di pagkikita-kita.

Venue: Gerry's grill, lunch time. siyempre unang dumating ang cecil na tinambangan ako sa CR nung nakita niya na umalis ako dun sa venue. Sabi niya hinanap niya pa talaga ang kanyang salamin para lang makisigurado na ako nga yun. Tapos late-late ang drama ng ibang lola (as usual late si kimberly) hehehe.. si julius ay galing pa sa kanyang dentist gig sa SM fairview din. At dahil dentista na siya (at may bangs), binigyan niya kami ng tig-isang set ng toothbrush, toothpaste, pang-dila (di ko lam kung ano tawag dun) si kimberly naman mega-promote ng Dayo with matching pamigay ng Dayo calendars dahil yung sister niya na si katrina aka hopia ang nagboses kay mananangurl. Choz

nakakatuwa kasi naloloka kami dahil feeling namin ang tanda na namin dahil ang pinag-uusapan na namin ay trabaho, pera at kung ano ano pa samantalang dati yung crush, HWs at nakakainis na teacher lang ang topics namin. May mga revelations din tungkol sa mga kabatch namin kung ano na nangyari sa kanila. Yung iba nga sa kwinekwento nila hindi na namin kilala ni Kim..

Masaya ang tangahalian except sa ma-asukal na sago't gulaman. Grabe sobrang tamis. Then after Gerry's and some paktyur taking, nag-starbucks kami kung san nakita namin si edison (isang batchmate)..

Kahit pala gaano kayo katagal magkahiwalay ng iyong mga kaibigan, pag tunay ang pagkakaibigan at samahan na mayron kayo, walang nagbabago. Ganun pa rin. Itsura niyo lang ang nagbabago pero hindi ang iyong samahan. labyu HS friends :)

Gradskul join GK
Study abroad

more time for loved ones
lose weight
travel writing

read neil gaiman's works

buy koreanovela bike

go to Vigan, Batanes and Sagada

reinvent onself

read postmodern classics

write as much as I can

love unconditionally

driving lessons
pottery lessons

UB quest

buy star-like lamps in Gateway

wear gurly stuff and be mahinhin (goodluck)

pursue career plans

reconnect with classmates

more patience and less worry

take TOEFEL

time for self

I just told my friend to leave her no-so loyal boyfriend for good. I don't know if its the right thing to say, but i told her anyway. I even cited what Uncle Bob (from UB) said about loyalty being an important factor in one's relationship.

Pero siyempre ano bang alam ko sa love...

ang mg sumusunod ay ang mga pangyayari nung Disyembre 24 mula 10 ng gabi hanggang 3:30 ng madaling araw...

1. kainan at salo-salo with my family, Ate sol, ate kathy, ate shawi, jurgen, James liit, michelle, moymoy and family..
2. mga paputok at nabutas na bubong courtesy of my tatay...
3. exchange gifts (bunutan ng number) gusto lahat makakuha ng number 8... natanggap ko dalawang wallet...number 10
4.si joy pagkatapos manalo ng P500 (number 8) pumasok na sa bahay at di na nagpakita
5. videoke time
6. inuman tequila, red wine at san mig... ang mga participantes... ako, moy, jojo, ate sol, ate kathy, ate shawi at michelle, si tatay at nanay (saling kitkit)...
7. nauna sa tequila...second round... sumuka na...
8. sabi ni nanay, "bakit ka sumuka?" sagot ni tatay, "hindi kasi sanay uminom yan." natatawang sambit ni ate sol, "akala ko sanay ka uminom, ikaw kasi naunang tumagay"
9. after sumuka, hinawakan yung microphone at kumanta na lang ng kumanta habang sila umiinom pa din..
10. Ate kathy: "may pasok pa ako bukas ng 5 am" ate sol: "kami rin may pasok! inom ka pa!"
11. mga bandang 2:30 napagod na ako sa pag-videoke... nagsuggest manood ng movie
12. nanood ng quantum of solace.. opening credits pa lang nakatulog na.. hehehe
13. Si ate sol biglang nagsampay ng mga damit niya
14.ligpitan time
15. 3:30 natulog na kami

The company Xmas party was really fun fun fun despite the no-so delicious food servings and the cocktail drinks which, I can't even describe the taste. The venue was held in Silver city (same as last year) and the theme was Las Vegas. I didn't join any games before the party. Jerz and I arrived late (nagpaparlor kasi sabi nga ni Xtian). Good thing we didn't miss anything.

Even though I didn't won in the raffle draw (except for that FA when the host said bernadette but it wasn't really me. it was another 'bernadette') I'm happy that our department won in all the contests that night. The performances of Paulee, Rica, Inggo and the rest of AM were beyond asteeg. Armed with complete costumes, Mariah (inggo), celine (paul) and Madonna (Rica) won the hearts not only of the judges but also the audience. Pero siyempre, nakakaloka din ang performance ng small group courtesy of Ate Winnen. Grabe asteeg niya. Ikaw ba naman buhat-buhatin at ihagis ng ilan beses. Kaya nga tie sa first place ang AM at small group.

Happy din because Blue and Benj won the Ms and Mr Trend titles. Siyempre ano bang masasabi mo kay Benj, who said he wants to be a malware writer but that would be difficult because of Trend Micro... and Blue who said she wants to be Batgirl and tied it up with bad guys and Trend Micro..

Pero ang nagpaganda talaga ng gabi ko ay ang Parokya ni Edgar. Well, fan ako ng mga songs nila pero hindi nila before. But now, after their gig, fan na nila ako for life. Crush ko si Buwi. Woot~

All in all, mas masaya tong xmas party na ito kesa last year and i'm glad I decided to go.

Writing a year end review of your life is an arduous and painful task. I discovered it now. It takes courage to look back and examine the things that happened in your life especially the painful memories, which you try to place at the far end corner of your head.

Writing this could have been a lot easier if I had achievements under my belt or if all memories are good ones. Although, 2008 is supposed to be my year since I was born under the year of the rat, I didn’t get to have that “luck.” Don’t get me wrong even though I wasn’t lucky, I was blessed. So here are the highlights of my life in 2008:

Unique experiences. Last June 30-July 2, I was able to participate in the GK build along with Jerz, Gedrick and some Taiwanese students. This is something that I really want to do and still want to do next year. During this experience, I get to experience what it feels like to build a house. Even though carrying heavy cement and hollow blocks was tiresome, I felt light and good, knowing that I did something for other people. I’m also glad to meet new people (Macany, Vic, Irene, Kathy, Sabrina) whose life stories made me richer and honestly made me want to go to Taiwan.

Last October 28-30, the team underwent the Upward Bound experience. This is where I realized that now is the time to start living my dreams no matter what other people think/say. It also empowered me that I am strong and that I can do anything. The experience also helps me regain my faith in God. Honestly, I’ve been harboring some bad feelings towards God because I feel that He is so distant and silent. I didn’t realize that He is/was there the whole time I’m undergoing trials. I am really grateful for this experience for it shakes me up and push me to move forward and fly high.

FF (Futsal friends). I’ve never been a fan of football or futsal for that matter but boy I was sure glad that I got hooked to this sport. This paved way for me to meet great friends (Blue, Dex, Tristan, JC, Jay,manok, Harry and company). I had a fair share of memories both from the futsal court and out. Aside from meeting people, it also gave an outlet to destress.

From Temp to PH. One of the things that I’m grateful for is my regularization at work. Now, I can enjoy some benefits that I don’t get before and I can join company events without my boss adding my name to the list. I’ve also transferred from research to VE, which is something I wanted to try before.

Chuvas. This year I met my parallel line, my intersecting line and my asymptote. Though I didn’t meet “the one” and still a NBSB, all that I’ve experiences related to heart matters, made me rethink and refeel. It also made me (hopefully) smarter and stronger because of the pain that it caused me. I just hope that these experiences will not make me bitter and afraid of love. I also hope to love unconditionally without expectations.

Certain Firsts. This year I joined P.I.A. (Pinay in Action) fun run with Macky, Mayee, Bix, and Jerz. Though Mayee and I got lost, we saw Lino Cayetano and we asked him for a souvenir picture. Before the PIA fun run, my friends at the office joined a race in UP. I wasn’t able to join because my teeth (fresh from surgery) is still aching. I had my two wisdom tooth removed because it was impacted. Perhaps, next year, I’ll ask the dentist to remove the remaining 2 impacted wisdom tooth. Ouch. It’s the worse physical pain I’d ever experienced in my life. I can’t eat. I can’t talk. I looked like I had mumps.

Another certain first moment is during our despedida with Ordy. It was held in a comedy bar (bar uno). This was my first time to enter such venue. Good thing, the hosts didn’t okray me. Myla told me that the foreigners who sang during that night were the actually the contestants in Amazing race asia 2.

Gifts. Finally my wish to have my own laptop came true—thanks to Tatay. I named it Edward Henry (from Twilight and Time traveller’s wife characters). I also received books from Ord (pasalubong from US) and some chocolates and DQ from friends at the office.

I entitled this blog entry as Spontaneous rapture since most of my experiences (good and bad) in 2008 are brought about by my spontaneity. Although there were consequences for my actions, I was really happy I did everything. No regrets.

Sabi nga ni Paulo Coelho:

“There's a moment in your life that you feel sorry for what you've done but then that precious moment would have remained just a miracle if you didn't do what you've done.”

“Be Brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience”

The piles of skyscrapers aligned one after the other leaves a feeling of solitude. The wind as it brushes your face gives a feeling of surrender to all life's labyrinths. The city lights that flickered like stars in the dark night give hope that everything will fall in its right place. The blue river bed that runs endlessly towards Laguna de Bay serenades your soul with stillness. The breathtaking city view with its smog and noise lets you hear your own silent voice. And a good friend who listens and cheers you up drowns your troubled heart with the hand of friendship...

Thank you~

P.S. this was written last Dec 9, '08

malungkot pala ang pakiramdam kapag malamig, madilim at nag-iisa ka lang sa opis. Hindi ko nga maintindihan kung bakit nag-crayola na lang ako ng bonggang-bongga sa cube ko last sunday. Basta naisip ko lahat ng problema ko sa buhay, mga kalungkutan na nangyari at mangyayari. Habang nag-autosubmit ako, tumutulo na lang luha ko tapos hindi ko siya mapigilan. Inisip ko na lang na baka hormonal sadness lang ito. Pero hindi eh, ayaw tumigil eh. Haay...

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Pero ngayon, (saturday) kahit nag-iisa ako hindi naman ako naiiyak siguro kasi may multiply sa office (pero using FF dapat at hindi IE)

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sa pagbili ng damit pang-xmas party, ito lang na-feel ko: ayuko ng maging mataba at walang pera. kaloka ang hirap kasi bumili ng damit pero ayun nakakita din naman: purple knee length dress at nakakakita na rin akong heyborit kong sandals... kahit medyo mahal sige binili ko na.. minsan lang naman. i think.

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sana manalo si blue later at sana manalo ako sa raffle :)

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Sabi ng isang kaibigan sa opis namin, masyado daw akong idealistic. Totoo kaya yun? ano sa tingin mo?

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five out of nine sa xmas mass........ AJA~

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dahil shifting na ako... wala ng konsepto ng holiday.. may pasok kasi ako... haay.. sighs

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sana maging special yung 28

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itutuloy ko na yung plano. bow.

ito'y nakuha ko kay Justine

Kasi pare ganito daw yun. may isa daw babae na hot daw pare. pero maputla siya kasi hindi siya inalagaan ng nanay niya pare. tapos pare emo daw siya kasi nga daw hindi siya mahal ng mundo at para siyang patay na bata na galit sa mundo. tapos pare, lumipat daw siya ng tirahan kasi daw masyado daw siyang emo para sa luma niyang tirahan. sabi niya sa nanay niya "tangina mo nay gusto ko lumipat kay tay". tangina pare hindi nagalit nanay niya. sabi lang ng nanay niya "tangina mo pare wag ka magmura".


So lumipat siya sa tatay niya di ba? pagkarating niya dun sabi niya, "tangina erpat bakit maulan dito?" sabi ng erpat niya "gago "bur" months na! malamig na tangena". so nagtaka yung babaeng simula ngayon ay tatawagin na lang nating "babaeng maputla at emo".


So pumasok siya sa school di ba? binigyan siya ng truck ng tatay niya pare. sabi ng tatay niya "tangina mo sa'yo na tong truck ko". sabi niya "salamat tay".

Pagkarating niyang school tsong, may nakita siyang lalaking mukhang bangkay pero pogi. sakto. pogi pero mukhang bangkay. sabi ni babaeng maputla at emo "hot pare".



Nung chem lab na ni babaeng maputla at emo, natagpuan niyang lab partner niya yung poging bangkay. so nung tinignan siya nung poging bangaky, ang asim ng mukha nito. mukhang nandiri ata kay babaeng maputla at emo.


Sabi ni poging bangkay "tangina mo". sabi ni babaeng maputla at emo "tangina KA". sabi ni poging bangkay "tangina NIYA oh *tumuro sa teacher nila*". sabi ni babaeng maputla at emo "oo nga noh. TANGINA MO". sabi ni poging bangkay "tangina mo gago bampira ako". tapos naghubad siya ng damit at kumintab ang katawan niya kasi linagyan niya ng glitters ang abs niya kasi tigas siya at ganun na ang mga tigas ngayon na nagpupuntang emba.

So pare na in love si babaeng maputla at emo kay poging bangkay. si poging bangkay naman sige lang kasi sex din daw yun. so ayun. angshweet shweet nila.


"Eow poh... ahihihihi"

"Bebe mwahugz,..... ^^,"


So tapos nun nagpunta sila sa damuhan kasi.... alam mo na. tapos sabi ni poging bangkay "ikaw na buhay ko ngayon" sabi ni babaeng maputla at emo "tangina mo gago patay ka na". sabi ni poging bangkay "TANGINA KA".


Tapos nagsex sila

So basically pare yun lang yung mga importanteng nangyari sa buong storya. intense noh? kaya pala nahhook lahat ng tao.